- Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
- Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
- Twitch a lot.
- Talk while pretending to be asleep.
- Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
- Become a subgenius.
- Inject his/her Twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
- Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of
your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
- Speak in tongues.
- Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually work
up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
- Walk and talk backwards.
- Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the
middle of your room. Number them.
- Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your
roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're
more than meets the eye."
- Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo
Man," "Casablanca") almost inaudibly.
- Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian Arias on a
kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance
art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
- Collect all your urine in a small jug.
- Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
- Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when
you are.
- Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of
weeks."
- Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to
masturbate while reading them.
- Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come,
pretend nothing happened.
- Eat glass.
- Smoke ballpoint pens.
- Smile. All the time.
- Collect dog poop in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think
the dog ate.
- Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
- Hide a bunch of potato chips and
Ho-Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When
you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your
roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse
you.
- Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of
grievances.
- Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
- Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then
look away quickly.
- Dye all your underwear lime green.
- Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
- Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
- Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of
stealing it.
- Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
- Pray to Azazoth or
Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
- Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three
weeks.
- Arrange thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Set one
aside from the rest. Laugh hysterically at the one toothbrush. When your
roommate asks about it, refuse to discuss the situation.
- Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
- Whenever s/he is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with
"Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
- Shave off one of your roommate's eyebrows. Comment repeatedly on how it
makes him/her look younger.
- Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile
your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter
"Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
- Put horseradish in your shoes.
- Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly
that you can never find the book that you want.
- Always flush the toilet three times.
- Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
- Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play
it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an
assignment for your primitive cultures class.
- Give him/her an allowance.
- Listen to radio static.
- Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as
soon as you wake up.
- Cry a lot.
- Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's e-mail.
- Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the
baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If s/he walks
by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
- Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls.
- Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and
giggle to yourself.
- If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
- Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your
roommate when they're not Click here for Home Page, show them the magazines.
- Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while,
then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple
onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out. Use this method to fall
asleep every night for a month.
- If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
- Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the
phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
- Whenever s/he goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel,
and go shower too.
- Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her
mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
- Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
- Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're
holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that
your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
- Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
- Follow him/her around on weekends.
- Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
- Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
- Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
- Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
- Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
- Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say
anything, just stare.
- Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really
important but you can't remember who it was.
- Let mice loose in his/her room.
- Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a
problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your
ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust
your ceiling.
- Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
- Skip to the bathroom.
- Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for
an entire weekend.
- Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her
room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.
- When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you
leave.
- Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where s/he can find
them.
- Whenever you're on the phone and s/he walks in, hang up immediately
without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two
minutes, then call whoever it was back.
- Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above
your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
- Use a bible as Kleenex.
- Burn incense.
- Eat moths.
- Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the
next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next
day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
- Collect Chia Pets.
- Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
- Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three
bottles of whipped cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
- Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.
- If you know that s/he is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask
if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred
dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
- Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
- Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
- Urinate in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't
looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Each night before you go to
bed, take a big swig from the jar.
- Don't ever flush.
- Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
- Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by
them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
- Lick him/her while they are asleep.
- Dress in drag.
- Buy Lay's potato chips with all your money. Stack the bags in the middle
of the room in a pyramid. Eat them whenever your roommate is in the room.
For every one you eat, offer your roommate one, each time telling him,
"No one can eat just one."
- Wear no clothes in the room except a cowboy hat.
- Lay in the middle of the room and chant to pagan gods.
- Plant grass in the carpet and scream at your roommate every time s/he
takes a step in the room. Put up a "please don't walk on the
grass" sign.
- Give your roommate's clothes to the Salvation Army.
- Pretend to shower often but only wash your hair in the sink. See how long
it takes your roommate to notice.
- Read lots of science fiction and begin to act as though you think your
roommate is an alien in disguise. Jump on him/her and try to rip off the
humanoid mask the alien is wearing.
- Invite a Click here for Home Pageless person to live in your room and sleep in your roommate's
bed.
- Set off the smoke alarm in your room and tell the fire department your
roommate was smoking.
- Become your own twin brother and tell your roommate that you and your
brother never appear in the same place at once. Tell your roommate the same
thing again after leaving and coming back into the room.
- Sleep face down under your mattress on a bunkbed and stare at your
roommate all night through the springs.
- Wear ammonia as a cologne.
- Whenever your roommate goes to sleep, wake up.
- Whenever your roommate wakes up, go to sleep.
- Have really weird friends who have strange loud conversations. Whenever
your roommate walks in, you all be quiet and stare at him/her until s/he
leaves.
- Mount a wall-sized mirror on your wall and then ask your roommate not to
look at it because demonic forces from the other side will escape into this
world if s/he does.
- Build an antfarm. Let your ants have "jailbreaks". Then ask your
roommate to help you hunt down all the renegade ants.
- Wear nothing but tightie-whities whenever your roommate has guests.
- Nail boards across your window. When your roommate asks why, tell him/her
you know they're all watching you.
- Start a scab collection. Keep it in a locked glass case on your desk. Tell
your roommate that you know s/he was looking for the key.
- Leave Kleenexes dipped in mayonnaise on the floor. Tell guests that your
roommate is disgusting and show them.
- Start a new-wave cult. Hold nightly candle-lit rituals in your room with
your followers.
- Begin to accumulate a used gum ball. Weigh it every day. Accuse your
roommate of stealing gum.
- Throw blood on your roommate when s/he is wearing a coat and shout,
"Animal killer!"
- Get a friend to leave a phone message for you with your roommate, saying
the test results came back positive. When your roommate tells you, cough,
faint, and then refuse to discuss it.
- Laugh a lot in the morning. Tell your roommate to be happy all the time.
- Put no-doze pills in your roommate's drinks.
- Set your alarm clock for three o'clock. Push the doze button every 5
minutes when it beeps for the next five hours, each time telling your
roommate that you'll wake up in five minutes.
- Get your roommate's social security number. Call the registrar and switch
all of his/her classes. Tell your roommate at the end of the term that the
Philosophical Environmental Anthropology exam is supposed to be really hard.
Wish him/her luck.
- Play Dungeons & Dragons all the time. Tell your roommate to obey you
because you are the Dungeon Master. Attack invisible dragons with a
cardboard sword.
- Make a voodoo doll of your roommate. Kill it.
- Learn the words to all your roommate's favorite songs. Sing along.
- Learn to play an accordion.
- Make a contract with the Mafia to kill your roommate. Become a born-again
Christian and dreadfully regret your actions. Explain to your roommate the
situation, how sorry you are, and that there is nothing you can do to
prevent the hit. Try to convert your roommate before s/he dies.
- Build a snowman out of big balls of toilet paper. Throw water on it and
begin to cry that the snowman is melting.
- Put Vaseline on everything. Tell your roommate that you were just trying
to "loosen up" the room.
- Tell your roommate on a daily basis that s/he is projecting negative
karma.
- Whenever your roommate gets clothes back from the laundry, hide them. Then
wear some every day until you have removed all the stolen clothes from
hiding and they are all now dirty. Ask your roommate to wash them again.
- Learn a lot of quotations. Whenever you talk to your roommate, say nothing
but quotes for three weeks.
- Adopt an iguana. Collect the skin peelings. Give them to your roommate as
a peace offering from Peter (the iguana).
- Bring several dogs to your room. Hold conversations with them whenever
your roommate comes in. If s/he complains, tell him/her s/he is being
prejudiced on the basis of your friends' species. Call him/her a bigot.
- Sign up your roommate for all the radical organizations on campus. If they
call, tell them s/he is very interested in and in favor of their cause.
- Buy seven different colored yo-yo's. Practice with them seven hours a day,
alternating yo-yo's on the hour.
- Create an animal cemetery in your floor. Hold memorial services. If your
roommate complains, tell him/her that s/he has no respect for the dead.
- When your roommate is typing, type on your keyboard in synchronization.
- Become a Trekkie. Talk to your communicator. Tell Scottie to beam you up
and run quickly from the room. If your roommate asks, tell him/her "Dammit,
Jim, I'm just a doctor!"
- Buy forty two-liter bottles of generic soda. Dump out one bottle. Every
time you drink a bottle, piss in the empty one. Do so until you have
thirty-nine bottles of urine. Complain to your roommate that generic soda
tastes awful.
- Order five anchovy pizzas in your roommate's name. When the deliverer
arrives, tell them that your roommate likes to play jokes on the pizza place
and then your roommate lies about his/her ordering. Tell them where s/he is.
- Put in your contacts when you go to bed. Scream in agony as you rip them
from your bloody eyelids in the morning. Put them in again that night.
Complain to your roommate that you just can't see a darned thing anymore.
- Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats
meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the
bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If s/he asks
about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
- Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while s/he is
asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every
morning.
- Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!"
as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards,
keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going
somewhere?"
- Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for
your roommate to come back. When s/he does, walk in and act surprised. Say,
"Uh-oh, it looks like THEY were here again."
- Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and
kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
- Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been
watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell
him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
- Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you
wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses.
Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
- Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and
stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that
visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face
the consequences.
- Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about
his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate
a full report. Insist that s/he do the same.
- "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you
are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
- Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're
going Click here for Home Page. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was Click here for Home Page. Unpack
everything and go to sleep.
- Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am
I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If
your roommate asks, say you don't know what s/he is talking about.
- Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it
and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
- Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw
and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
- Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start
to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with
you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant,
but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
- Buy a jack-in-the-box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops
out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
- Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats
eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
- Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at
your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
- Lock the door while your roommate is out. When s/he comes back and tries
to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for
several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off
all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
- Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them
tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in
front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? S/he won't be here much
longer."
- If your roommate comes Click here for Home Page after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a
rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful
little..."
- Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how
they got there.
- Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one
pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
- Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and
visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day,
miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a
will, leaving everything to you. Every time s/he coughs, excitedly say,
"Oooh, are you dying?"
- Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back
into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
- Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula.
If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, she's around here somewhere."
- Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you."
Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the
message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to
faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
- Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the
building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too,
explain that s/he needs bowling shoes.
- Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake
an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards
again.
- While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your
roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
- Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective
student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate
protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that s/he hurt its feelings.
Watch TV with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
- Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich.
Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the
hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
- Punch a hole in the TV. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the
poor picture quality.
- Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day.
Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down
underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to
return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.
- Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after
your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few
days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your
roommate, "He/She just didn't belong."
- Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and
then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick.
Continue this process for several weeks.
- Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate
asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to
bring you food and water.
- Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for
a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a
crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
- Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you
were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
- Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your
roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
- Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It
won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers.
Repeat the process for a few weeks.
- Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so
often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling
him/her "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say,
"I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
- Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
- Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if s/he knows
how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the
room with concern.
- Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and
scream, "Owwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then
go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
- When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming
angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was
your mom. She said she'd call back."
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